I can't fucking believe you responded. I thought you turned your keys in and checked out. I made it easy or so I thought. If you did find me I figured it would take time. Months even. Happiness is relative and your sunny image of my life is missing the clouds.
Of course I respond... I always have, even when I tell myself I'm not. My sunny image has to be that way so I don't worry. I know it's not that way, but to stay away, I have to believe you're in a good space and my interference would take from that, but then I send something anyway, just in case I'm wrong, just in case you might response, just in case you need to know I'm still thinking about you... I also sometimes think of myself of "one of your ex's" who keep trying to come back and you ain't trying to have that... Nobody wants to be that dude! I picture you will your new friend like "look at this N*gga"... "They always want back in"... When did I become "They"...
ReplyDeleteYou seem so different in your words. Kinda like someone I used to know but still someone I still do. How long has it been for you? For me it feels like years have passed. I can hardly remember what you know and what you do not. So much has happened and when we last parted we both had major events occur in our families. My streak kept on going after my mom but I cannot remember. I remember when the sun finally peeked through the clouds that my excitement was short lived when the one person in the world I always ran to tell, could not be told. I feel like this was better for everyone even though it felt like shit. I just can't understand this at all. I've successfully, single-handedly sabotaged every normal and or viable relationship I could have been successful in because I cannot fully commit my heart or life to anyone but you. I know that if our number was finally called I wouldn't just ignore it and I would lose my place in whatever line I was currently in to return to the one I always wanted to be in. I just feel the years it would take to get that number called would take its toll and resentment would build and cause issues once that reality came to fruition. Nothing I don't think we could handle, but something I know would be there. I no longer try to understand it. I often deny how powerful and real it is, but if I stood before a crowd with the perfect man for me and you came around, my vision would be completely different than everyone elses and the thought of knowing I would be at least and emotional cheater during a union with someone else keeps me set on never giving anyone hope that we could ever be more than an overgrown version of bf and gf. Even when I find the one I'm perfect for, I realize he is not and will never be perfect for me. "We" could never truly be. I'd never be devoted or completely checked in to a union with anyone other than you. Than used to bother me to no end but now I just accept it. Deal with it and realize we cannot possibly be the only ones who have ever been estranged in this way. And for the record, the last time we parted ways I truly meant it when I said I never saw it as the last time, and I still don't regardless of what was decided afterwards. I still remember that day so clearly and in the back of my mind I constantly count the years this will take and each passing year it seems more feasible to just hurry up and wait.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm sure I'm different. I don't knots if it's good or bad. I accepted the fact that no one can our will ever be add close to me as you got, other than my kids. I've looked at myself and my situation and thought "You're never gonna leave". That ours some hard shit to accept. I've also thought of the title of a book I may someday write "I gave up my Soulmate for my wife"... it's still in the working phase. A loot of life has happened since we last talked. I wonder if we should catch each other up pin it all or just pick up from where we are now and fill in the pieces as we go. I think pic you in a daily basis. I think about the videos you sent, the days i was inside you, what music are listening to, are you Draking right now... I'm curious to hear from you. I'd rather do it voice to voce
ReplyDeletevoice, but I know I go 0 to 100 with you, so I'll let you control the pace.