Awake from a nightmare
Chaos everywhere.
A glass window into my mind
Contracts written but never signed
I thought I moved on this time
I avoided every attempt
Promised not to respond
Thinking "he finally gave up".
But there you are
And here I am
Chapter forever
In a story that never ends.
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I told myself that she's the only person that could come into my life at any point and time and I would jeopardize it all to communicate with her... After so much time passed, I figured the last time was the actually the last time and learning to live with loss is apart of life. I thought, she's better off without me anyway, I'm just a distraction... I wonder how life is since the finger can't point at me when something goes wrong... Is it really better? I came here so often, my predictive text finishes the site after "fr". "ins" becomes your page name... Never expected to see any response, but I guess I told myself if she every reaches out, my hand will already be extended...
ReplyDeleteNot that I pointed the finger at you, but at the situation. Kind of like the whole Karma thing. What you put out is what comes back and even though I feel this is supposed to be in some far-fetched, weird, unexplainable way, I feel sometimes the way we go about it is not correct. We both are emotional people, our connection allows us to be that way with each other and sometimes it fucks things up. We get to engulfed and tend to become oblivious to the people we left on shore while we're swimming in the ocean. If only we all could coexist but we know once we swim to shore, we have to go our separate ways with the people we left there. There is no easy way about this. I don't blame you but I hate you at times for getting to know me and showing me true friendship and love and understanding and unconditional love. I got scared when we it felt like we were no longer in sync. From so far away it's hard to be on the same wavelength like before, even though I thought no distance or circumstance would inhibit our connection. I know it's still there and I'm guilty for trying to sever it somehow but I know even a severed connection between us would not die. I guess like I said before I need this to be you for you, not for me. I did feel devastated when you had the chance and you didn't act upon it. Twice now that has been the case but I get it and I do not want you doing it for anyone but yourself. Maybe I wasn't even ready for that but at some point I thought I was.
DeleteI still look at our pictures all the time. I can feel the joy and happieness I felt at that moment. Raw, unfiltered, empowering, crazy, insane, rehabilitating, exhilarating love. I tried to delete them and our conversation history in fear whomever I ended up with would find them and realize why you were the one I never mentioned when speaking of exes or love. I couldn't share because they should be worried about you. You are the one that means something. Everything. You are the one that I would leave for, break an innocent heart for and say fuck the world for. You. Only you.
DeleteOur pics are so dope. I look at them all the time also. I think about how being there felt so good and how tough it was to leave even for just a few hours. I agree with your emotional assessment and your ocean analogy. Having everyone exist in one big family would be everything. I've played with that idea and think how it work for everyone, but not everyone sees things my way.
ReplyDeleteI look back at the moments when I could've changed all of this. I honestly was afraid that what if it don't work or will things change. Ireally think ijust wasn't ready and still ain't. I know how much i love and connect with you and i heard someone say that distance ain't wht kills a relationship. Silence is...
Damn hearing that burns pretty bad even though I already knew that was the reason. Inside I knew and it bothered me but I honestly didn't expect a different outcome but a tiny part of me held on to that "what if" and still had bright eyes for the possibility. Knowing that you still aren't answers some questions I've kept in my head over time. I honestly don't think you ever will be, I just hope someway somehow I'm wrong because even a year seems like forever and I don't have too many more forever to wait. And yes I agree, distance is nothing. Silence is the loudest voice in any relationship. It says everything without saying a thing at all.
ReplyDeleteThis is my issue... Why can't I get over you? I know in my heart I will never stop loving you. I know if I'm I the same city as you, I'm trying to see you. Without even trying, I think what you being with me in different moments in my life and how much better and fullfilling it would be. The crazy thing is when i try to rationalize n't feelings and try to figure out what really has me locked to you, I have no answer.... Other than it is what it is. You can't break it, you can't tear it down. You live with it and either submit to it or deny yourself of it, but no matter what, it'll be there. I have a potna who got caught messing with another woman. I woman he loves a lot. She's married and loves his wife and wants the polygymy life as he does. The wife still subscribes to traditional marriage roles. He still messes with ole girl, but is more tactful. I used to think how our situation is similar,but different and that maybe I shouldn't have let go, no matter what...
ReplyDeleteThis is my issue... Why can't I get over you? I know in my heart I will never stop loving you. I know if I'm I the same city as you, I'm trying to see you. Without even trying, I think what you being with me in different moments in my life and how much better and fullfilling it would be. The crazy thing is when i try to rationalize n't feelings and try to figure out what really has me locked to you, I have no answer.... Other than it is what it is. You can't break it, you can't tear it down. You live with it and either submit to it or deny yourself of it, but no matter what, it'll be there. I have a potna who got caught messing with another woman. I woman he loves a lot. She's married and loves his wife and wants the polygymy life as he does. The wife still subscribes to traditional marriage roles. He still messes with ole girl, but is more tactful. I used to think how our situation is similar,but different and that maybe I shouldn't have let go, no matter what...
ReplyDelete